I met him. I ordered a coffee, thee and beer. He only drank thee. I was probably to enthusiastic.
‘Now you have had everything’, he said. He had sweet eyes that looked shy to me. Charming almost. Most.
‘I never really like to meet people’. We laughed, we just met.
‘No I mean, now it has a purpose, so I know what to do, what to expect. But when I meet with friends it does not have a purpose. It really stress me out. I cannot focus on anything the day before I am going to meet with someone. All I think about is that meeting, so now I kind off stopped meeting my friends, I only see good friends’.
I was confused I laughed.
This remark of him kept coming back in my head and a few days later I realized that I had the same. Not as present as he had it, but sometimes, all I am is stressed, just because I am going to meet a friend. Or the appointment keeps repeating itself in my thoughts, I have run through everything that could happen.
I have a respond to every situation that could interest me. I will not think about the boring ones, my reaction on boring situations will be improvised.
But I know that it is a bit useless to thing about everything that could happen, or that could be said to me, because the people I am with will not respond the way they do in my mind and they are also not as busy with me as I am.
The situation will mostly be of no meaning, just people being together, but nothing really happens. I know that these moments are also important, but it are not crucial moments. My reaction will only matter at some moments.
It are those moments that are crucial, that I meet new people, make friends, start a fight, love someone, break up with someone, never say goodby, run away to come back, fall of my bike in front of you, laugh about their jokes.
So even though I already know that it is not that useful to think about all the social situations I might be in someday, I keep hoping that thinking about potential situations will cause that these thoughts will actually happen. In my mind social situations, are more interesting than they most of the time will be in real life.
But, when a situation in real life ís interesting, it is exceeding. It are those moments when I learn the most.
Surprises are unthinkable.
‘I freak out when I accidentally meet someone. I have no idea how to react’. I tried to keep my face neutral. Are that not the meetings that change my days?
When I accidentally meet someone, go with him or her and learn? Learn how to actually react to people, not just like I do in my mind but like I do when the environment, other people and my feelings of that moment also influence the situation? When I am alive, and experiencing how it is to be alive, apart from breathing and eating? The non-crucial situations, are the situations where I don’t really feel alive. I am there, of course, I react, I do what I have to do. But the crucial moments are the moments where I am learning, experiencing, making, achieving, failing, living.
One night, this real life social interactions were just like they are in my head. There where a lot of people that I knew, vaguely but still. When I got bored of a situation, I went to another, new people, new reactions. New me? I remember her, climbing on the building, making photos of me, looking to her, forgetting that this was a situation where I had to react or think about how to react. Naturally. We danced, kissed. I even got her phone number. Still not being aware that this was a situation that I had repeated a hundred times in my mind. It was that night that I learned new things about myself. These things bring me further in the things I do.
Surprises come to me.
Just like the situation were I met him. Without him I would not have known this about myself. Or at least I would not have thought about it so much. His shy looking eyes make more sense now. His charming look makes me curious to him, but I know that it is not likely that we see each other soon.
I can prepare every situation in my head, but I cannot know how it will actually go, there are so much situations. It are the situations when I am not aware that it is a situation that are crucial. I am open to what is happening. No stress.