I met him. I ordered a coffee, thee and beer. He only drank thee. I was probably to enthusiastic.
‘Now you have had everything’, he said. He had sweet eyes that looked shy to me. Charming almost. Most.
‘I never really like to meet people’. We laughed, we just met.
‘No I mean, now it has a purpose, so I know what to do, what to expect. But when I meet with friends it does not have a purpose. It really stress me out. I cannot focus on anything the day before I am going to meet with someone. All I think about is that meeting, so now I kind off stopped meeting my friends, I only see good friends’.
I was confused I laughed.
This remark of him kept coming back in my head and a few days later I realized that I had the same. Not as present as he had it, but still. The appointment keeps repeating itself in my thoughts, I have run through everything that could happen.
No surprises.
What if I could create something to protect us? Something that would keep the stress out. What made me actually stressed? There were three things I could think about that really, really stresses me out: New Things, Being in a Hurry and Ajax.
New Things because I do not know what is going to happen, and so I do not know how to react and what to expect.
I have a respond to every situation that could interest me.
But I know that it is a bit useless to thing about everything that could happen, because the people I am with will not respond the way they do in my mind and they are also not as busy with me as I am.
Being in a Hurry stresses me out because I always think that the consequences will be huge and not repairable. It also makes me frustrated because I know what to do to be in time, but then when I am late it turned out that I did not follow my own schedule.
Surprises are unthinkable.
It was the first time that week that I was on time. I could not be late when I was going to meet him. Nervous. Checking my Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, Snapchat and back. He did not know what I look like. O wait maybe he checked my profile. Would he?
Ajax stresses me out because I love that club so much.
And I have zero influence on their success. The only thing I can do is wear a lot of Ajax merchandise.
When they play I have the feeling that my throat is a bit squeezed together, a goal is made quickly you know. At the end of the season I have this squeezed throat basically the whole time, and when they win, all the stress is replaced by an amazing joy.
I read an article about students who wore a Superman shirt, those students thought that they where more capable then they actually where.
I took this idea of clothes that make you think you are stronger as a starting point.
What if I could wear a stress protection?
New Things, how could you possibly protect yourself from it? You cannot. You can surrender yourself and observe it. How could I observe the New Things that happen to me? From an old belt I made a camera holder which I can wear around my shoulder to the other side of my flank. By always carrying my camera with me, I can observe situations when they stress me out to much, I can ‘hide behind the camera’. When you take photographs of a situation you immediately create a distance between yourself and the rest. You watch Them.
In my mind social situations, are more interesting than they most of the time will be in real life.
But, when a situation in real life ís interesting, it is exceeding. It are those moments when I learn the most.
For Being in a Hurry I wanted to use the idea of the Superman-shirt even more. I wanted to create my own Superman-shirt, which protect me.
When I am in a hurry, I am most of the time by bike. So I am outside. A sweater is perfect for Dutch weather, most of the times it is kind of cold. On the sweater I attached patches of racing cars, one even with ‘Winner’ on it. This is on my back. On the front of the sweater I attached a rose, so I could, maybe, have the feeling that I am this very cool biker boy.
For my stress factor Ajax I wanted to create my own merchandise, as a way of showing my love, surrounding myself with ‘Ajax’ and hopefully send some positive vibes to the players.
From an old Ajax-short I made a shoulder or fanny pack, that I can easily wear.
Surprise Suprise, come to me.
I can prepare every situation in my head, but I cannot know how it will actually go. It are the situations when I am not aware that it is a situation that are crucial.
Without him I would not have known all this about myself. Or at least I would not have thought about it so much. His shy looking eyes make more sense now. His charming look makes me curious to him, but I know that it is not likely that we see each other soon.
